The story behind Patrick Stewart's baldness

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My entries in italics. (Check out the totally unexpected bald/Picard synchronicity. Eerie!)

One day, on the bridge of the flaky ship known as the Enterprise, Captain Picard was startled by the sudden appearance of a apple aboard his ship. 'Jesus Fuck!!' shouted Picard righteously as the apple began crapping. Sandy, the ship's first officer, decided to attempt to neutralize it with Pepsi, but her plan failed. Picard then asked the android, Jorge, who suggested that they beam it to your Grandma's S&M dungeon. Picard tried to do that, but the transporter began to glow a pale shade of whitesmoke and didn't work at all. in desperation, Picard called on his chief engineer, Gluon, who stated pathetically that they should find a computer which would transform the apple into a elephant. This worked, and Picard became very bald and started to assimilate, and they all lived righteously ever after.