Of Spawning and Mathmatical Formulas...

Our youngest son is 6 months old and he is just beginning to play with our middle son, age (full fucking on!) 2 years. Watching them play together is probably the most joyful thing I���ve ever experienced. Non-parents cannot understand this and any of them who began reading this post most likely logged off with a quickness. I don���t blame them. The joys of parenthood (as well as the frustrations) cannot be explained to those without kids. I hated to hear that kind of crap before I had kids. I thought it was a cop-out, just a justification for all present and future ���special rights��� parents have. However, one of the MANY things I���ve learned since becoming a parent is to accept people���s reasonings. Actually, my bad back made me learn this. Allow me to digress:

My dad and brother have complained about their backs for years. Every other month, I would invariably get the ���I threw my back out��� call from one of them. This meant they were laid up on the couch for a few days, unable to move freely without excruciating pain. I thought this was a load of crap, for I, too, have suffered a bad back in that it pretty much hurts all the time. However, I had never ���thrown out��� my back until one fine day in 1997, when I had a job at a wine and beer distributor (oh, the perks of that job! read: free booze also read: future entries). I was wheeling my handcart piled high with booze cases into a grocery store. I lifted one of the cases and as I bent down, I felt a fucking shockwave of pain shoot up my spine. I immediately doubled over, dropping the case of wine to the floor with a crash, and COULD NOT GET UP. I tried a few times before giving in to the situation. Some lady asked me if I was alright and I told her I was fine, despite the fact that I was curled up on the floor in the middle of a grocery aisle with broken bottles strewn about and gallons of wine spreading around me.

So yeah, after that incident, I began to accept what people told me about their personal conditions. Unbearable back pain? I hear ya. Crippling depression? I���ll take your word for it. Republican? Don���t ask, don���t tell on that one, fella.

But back to my original point. There is no more humbling experience that becoming a parent. Things that were once under control suddenly careen out of. Statements such as ���No way are my kids gonna behave like that in public��� go out the window quicker than a stockbroker on Black Tuesday. When you have a kid, you essentially surrender to something other, or greater, than yourself. And let me tell you, that is fucking hard to do, especially for us coolsters who prided ourselves on ironic detachment, because what is ironic detachment but a feeble attempt to control your surroundings; or, more accurately, control how your surroundings visibly affect you.

I���m not saying you give up your identity entirely when you become a parent. But I guarantee that 95% of previous assumptions will be rendered moot.

And did I mention the guilt? Our oldest son is 10 years old. E became pregnant with him when we were, uh, let���s say smack in the middle of a particularly irresponsible phase. We struggled BIG TIME with the whole parent thing at first. We stupidly pronounced that it would ���not change us.��� We railed against any and all traditional parenting methods. We arranged our lives so that we could still go out on weekends. And we did this for a good 5 years.

How we managed to still be ���good��� parents is a mystery to me. But I know that we shortchanged our oldest. He is a fantastic kid, but he grew up lonely, I think. And that is what got me on this whole subject. Seeing our two youngest play with each other slammed home the guilt because our oldest never had that experience. Goddamn rollercoaster, I tell ya.

All you math geeks can look forward to future entries on the Child Exponential Progression Formula. A quick preview:

If a=(1 child) and b=(a+1) and c=(b+1), then the formula is as follows:

a+0=i (an ordered system)

a+b=x (an unresolved integer)

a+b+c=! (total fucking chaos)


Oh yeah, hope all had a happy holidays!